You’ve got a phone call or a text, or maybe you’re out on a date. Your girlfriend tells you that she’s ending things. You’re confused. You want to be with her, and you thought she wanted the same, so this piece of news is shocking, painful, and seems unwarranted. What follows is you asking a series of questions.
She gives you the answers, but for you, despite promising to make changes, she seems hesitant. She’s finally tired of the questions, and she blurts out, “I am breaking up with you because you’re too needy!”
If you’ve been in this situation or variations of the same and want to know if you can get her back, then you’ve come to the right place. You obviously still have feelings for her and want to be with her.
Therefore, for you know if and how to get her back is what’s important.
The negative side of being too needy
When someone is too much in your space, whether on your physical space or your phone, then you’ll most certainly feel overwhelmed. That is what she felt when you became too needy. She felt suffocated, and her stepping away from you was for her own sanity.
She wanted to know what she could get into a healthy routine without having to get bombarded with a plethora of messages and emails as she went about her day. If it was terrible, she likely blocked you too.
How do you know if you’re needy when texting? If the ratio of texting was more than 1:1, then you were probably doing too much. Was your rate of texting three, four, five, or more times more than her? You were being extra which is a turnoff. If you are to get her back, that is something you need to get in check or instead quit it altogether.
Where was the problem? You look desperate, and nothing is appealing about that. It also signals that you don’t have a life and that she is the world for you, which in itself is quite dysfunctional.
It is okay to tell someone that they are your world because it is sweet, but it takes a stale turn when you quite literally mean it. It makes sense to love someone being around you, but when they are all you want to round the clock, then there’s a concern.
Is there a good side to being needy?
We often associate being needy with something negative, so the idea that it could be positive at all is surprising. There is a bring side to being needy, but there is a catch. The idea is to be a little needy. What that communicates is that you do have strong feelings for your girl, which is a good thing.
It shows that you care deeply about her that you do want her to be in your life. Where it gets annoying is when the neediness becomes excessive. As a result, she’ll feel smothered, and the next step for her is to run away and cut you off.
Therefore, to be needy needs to have a balance, and a healthy dose of the same. Your woman will think that it is cute that you want to hear her voice when you wake up and go to sleep, and that you’re thinking about her during the day or want to hang out.
However, the issue comes in when you’re infringing on her space to the point that you stifle her freedom; then there’s a problem. If you didn’t know the difference, then that’s something to keep in mind when you get her back.
It’s okay to want her back
Note, we did not say “need” but “want.” You need air but want another slice of cake. When you need her back, it means that she is the remedy to the emotional pain that you’re feeling, which makes you put her in a dominant position.
When she knows that she yields a lot of power over you, then, depending on the type of person your girlfriend is, she will end up abusing it and subjecting you to things you’d very much want to avoid.
For example, if she knows that you desperately need her, then she’ll be in your life for the credit card and not because she loves you. When you need her back, the cycle will continue. Once she leaves, you have to get through the emotional hurt alone or with the help of friends until the point you feel that you’re “okay.”
However, without making necessary changes on the inside the results are only temporary.
You might feel that you’ve moved on, and you’ve changed, but once she’s back in the picture, you’ll revert to the same habits. How do you know this? She’s made it clear she doesn’t want to talk to you, but you’ll insist on sending her a morning text asking how she’s been.
There’s nothing sexy about this. Getting yourself in an emotionally healthy place is vital because if you don’t, she will sense your neediness, and it will put her off again.
There is a lot that she could love about you but the neediness ends up keeping her away. Ridding yourself of that aspect makes you the woman of her dreams and she will be back to stay.
There are things that you will have to reflect to show her that you’re no longer that overbearing and super-emotional man she used to know. Your body language, conversations text, the attitude of overall reactions to her will be different once you get to a healthy space.
She will sense that yes, you still want to be with her, but it is not from a suffocating place. It is this change from within that will get her back. Otherwise, you’re stuck in a cycle of attracting her back and then having her leave you, which, if you’re honest, is extremely exhausting for both parties.
Therefore, align your wants and needs before making the next step of initiating reconciliation.
How do I get her back after being too needy?
Now that we’ve looked at what it means to be needy as well as the good and the bad, let’s explore ways you can get her back. Remember that a lot of these tips have to do with you.
It means changing certain unappealing aspects of you if you are to win her back and get her to stay. They aren’t band-aid solutions but rather life-changing tips.
1. Develop emotional independence
Keeping in mind that you want her and not need her is the basis of this first point. You have to remember that before she came along, you were functioning within an ecosystem. You had things you were into, friends to see, work to do, projects to start, places to see, money to save, etc.
When she comes back into your life, don’t pause or altogether put everything on a halt. Continue doing things for yourself but, of course, have the consideration to include her were necessary. If you had night outs with your boys, continue doing that.
Your hobbies and interests are vital if you’re to develop emotional independence. It lets you know you’re in charge of yourself and no one else. A partner is meant to complement or better things about you, not replace everything you have going on.
Red flags of being emotionally dependent are a lot, not merely giving up your interest and hobbies.
Do you feel that you have to put your dreams on hold or give them up for her? Are there aspects of your character or personality you think will make her bolt if she sees them?
Do your friends and family complain they’ve lost touch with you?
If too much of your life revolves around her, then you need to check your emotional dependence levels. It might not be something you get right when you’re back in the relationship, but with time and practice, you’ll get it back.
A tool you can use even before you start pursuing her again is role-playing.
Think of every possible scenario and have an answer for it beforehand, so you aren’t thrown off balance. For example, it’s your best friend’s birthday, but your girlfriend just had a bad day. What would you do?
2. Let your actions do the talking
“I promise I have changed” at most will get you a raised brow or an eye-roll. If you know she still has feelings for you and you can get her back then your actions need to do the talking. It is what you say, how you say it, and your overall thinking and behavioral patterns that will convince her that you’re no longer that needy guy she broke up with.
Before we get any further, you need to know with certainty- if you’re putting at an act, she will know. She will either sense it, or the falsehood of your transformation will fall apart and reveal that you’re still that needy man she left.
For example, if you’re acting that you don’t want her back when you’re around her, it’s going to show. It will confirm to her that she made the right call, and those around you will feel the awkwardness.
Instead of masking things, be honest with yourself. If you still want her back, show subtle interest but always respect the boundaries she’s put in place. She’ll appreciate it, and those around you will consider you both bold and mature.
Therefore, getting her back is not about doing the opposite of the very things she didn’t like about you. It is about doing an internal transformation that ends up having tangible results.
What she’ll love about it is that you took her words to heart and decided to do something about it.
It communicates that you love and value her enough to make the necessary changes to make things work. This step will take some time because we still tend to slip into old habits, but it’s a process worth investing in.
3. Know your triggers and attitude
In some instances, not everything is your fault. If she tended to flirt with other men, had too many guy friends, or posted suggestive photos on her social media channels, then it’s likely that she would have triggered the neediness in you. For you, that was a way to control her even though it wasn’t the best approach.
Before getting back with her, identify the times you felt and acted the neediest. Was it when there was an upcoming event or when she spent too much time on her phone and still wasn’t texting you as often?
Think of all these scenarios.
After, it doesn’t mean that you should blame her; you are the one with the feelings, not her. Instead, when you get the chance, own that being needy was wrong but also communicate how her behavior might have contributed.
If she’s willing to change those things, then you’re in for a healthier relationship. However, it doesn’t end there with triggers. Some things could be merely based on your upbringing, your views of relationships or your experiences. If you think women aren’t faithful, then your behavior towards that will reflect the same.
It is these limiting beliefs that bring about friction within a relationship. Think about the role you played, own them, work on them and change accordingly. Something she’ll love is a man who’s owned up to their mistake and is making the necessary changes to make things better.
What happens when I get her back?
You’re a changed guy. She lives this version of you. Now the trick is to maintain it. Change is an inevitable part of life, and don’t want for something dramatic like a breakup to better yourself.
If you notice something going on that you don’t like, don’t hide or ignore it because it will eventually rear its ugly head. So yes, you can get her back after being too needy, but how you do it is what determines if it’ll last.